Hunched foetal in the corner of my soul,
my fingernails are bleeding from climbing up the wall.

Shadow Play

Morphine Required –

Saturday – 17.5ml (All explained below!)

Sunday –  None J

Monday – Nil

Tuesday – Non

Wednesday – Nein

Thursday – Nope

Friday – ‘Course Not

Week 10

Saturday 19^th > Sunday 20^th

Well that didn’t go well did it? I went up to OBR early on Saturday with the intention of getting some great shots of what was going to be a tough but crucial game for Rams. By 2.30pm I was in the back of an ambulance being taken to RBH A&E, much against my wishes after my last experience of a Saturday in the hospital. This is becoming a bit of a habit. 3 times since I’ve started treatment I’ve ended up in A&E & on all 3 times it’s been on a Saturday. I can’t thank enough the friends at OBR who looked after me as I was taken ill. I’d hoped that no one would ever see me in the lowest ebb but I should have known that a good friend can look at you when you’re at your lowest & in extreme pain without judging you. Luckily this time the hospital sorted me out quickly, albeit painfully & I was on my way home relatively quickly for a Saturday afternoon. My idea of getting rid of Morphine went totally out of the window with two big hits required to manage pain levels. The situation was further compounded by Carol being up in Lincoln picking up Anna from Uni, again, this is where your friends step in. A good friend came to the hospital with me from OBR to make sure I wasn’t alone & another old friend got Max to the hospital too. He came equipped with my iPod, Kindle, phone charger & protein drinks, fully expecting me to be kept in overnight J  

It’s good to have Anna home for the Easter holiday, & hopefully I’ll be on my feet for most of it. It turns out that the match at OBR was a tight affair. Rams took an early 26-0 lead only for Southend to get back to 26-21 at FT, I think my heart may have been at risk if I’d stayed, but 5 points gained & a step nearer safety for the season. 

An evening spent on the sofa watching England secure their first Grand Slam for 13 years was just what the Dr. ordered, albeit giving away far too many penalties!

Sunday was a pretty quiet day as to be expected. We went up to OBR as a family for the first time in god knows how long, mainly to pick up my car. The comments from just about all I saw ring true, it’s “Take it easy & don’t overdo it”, seems my friends know me too well J What was going to be a quick in & out of the club turned out to be a bit longer as I watched the U16s match & a bit expensive as errant daughter decided she also wants to come to the End of Season Ball with her current squeeze, so that’s £300 I’ve spent on tickets! I trust they’re going to pay for their own booze on the night as I won’t be drinking! 

An afternoon nap & early dinner led nicely into an early night to bed after watching the latest James Bond, Spectre. I thought it was a tad formulaic of just about every Bond film I’ve seen. I’ve a few scheduled appointments in the coming week, but it’ll depend heavily on how I feel as to whether I attend or not, I’m not risking my health again. Thursday’s appointment with Scary Spice is the only one I’ll attend come hell or high water.

Monday 21^st > Friday 25^th

As we had a busy weekend Carol didn’t get time to do the weekly shop, so as Anna is home for the holidays we volunteered to do it ourselves. Big mistake…… Now ok, we had a basic list, but I’m pretty sure prime sirloin steak, cod loin & whole gammons weren’t on the list. Never mind, I suppose you only live once. I spent the afternoon making a lasagne which I managed to eat for this evening. Not a surprise you may say, however that’s a real step forward for me. It included seasoning, tomato’s, two types of cheese & chorizo sausage, I haven’t had any of these for about 2 months now, but none of them really had an adverse effect on my throat, mind you, I couldn’t really taste them much either, but baby steps forward. I was due to be going to a Playing Committee Meeting at OBR this evening, but I’ve sent my apologies as I’m not feeling 100% today, & I’m feeling pretty tired in the evenings.

No idea what happened on Monday night, but sleep just didn’t want to play ball. I was awake until about 1am, then again at 3am & 5am, not great. I was close to taking some morphine to help with sleep, but thought that probably defeats the object of trying to get myself off the stuff. Waking at 8am & turning the radio on to the news coming out of Brussels. In a different life I used Brussels airport at least monthly, sometimes more. I remember well the departure halls, a superb upstairs bar was a great place to people watch. I really feel for anyone caught up in the dreadful actions of a minority of people – Fugazi

Another fairly long call with Jo this afternoon. She wasn’t too concerned about the stomach problems as having been injected with a load of crap over the last couple of months my gut isn’t used to having food stuck into it. Given a couple of weeks it should settle down again. She was pleased to hear that my voice had improved, unlike hers which she’d lost last week, sounded pretty croaky still today J Also pleased that I’m able to eat most foods without discomfort in my throat. She is however concerned that my weight is probably still dropping. Her solution is to supplement my diet with Ensure drinks, even if I’m eating 3 decent meals a day. As I’m looking like an extra from Schindlers List at the moment I think I’ll follow her advice. She seems to think that the lack of morphine will be having an adverse effect on my sleeping habits, but has suggested I keep up with the idea of abstaining unless I’m in pain. I may take paracetamol before bed as by then my throat is usually feeling a bit tender from the day’s excess’s.

I spent a while reading through the blog from Day 1 this afternoon, just to see what my thoughts & fears were back in December. I wish I could have followed through with all the plans I had then, specifically the ones relating to eating, perhaps that would have made things easier as far as recovery goes. It was quite interesting to see how upbeat I was & how many jokes (ok, my version of jokes) I made in the early days. It seems a while since I’ve managed to inject any humour into my writing.

Another awful night’s sleep, I ended up coming downstairs at 1am & watched an episode of Breaking Bad, much to the disgust of the cat who was asleep on the sofa! A meeting in Henley on Wednesday morning was a pleasant change to routine, hopefully the new Rams website will be online sooner rather than later, just a bit of tidying up to do on it.

I’m really going to have to do something about my weight, I’ve gone from 89kg when I started RT & Chemo down to 72kg now, in old money that’s going from 14 stone down to just over 11 stone in the space of 10 weeks, not healthy at all. I’m sure somewhere in the house, probably in Max’s bedroom, there is a set of weights, I’ll see if I can find them & try to put some bulk back on by exercise, as well as eating as much as I can.

For various reasons there was no trip to OBR on Wednesday evening, no training or matches this weekend either. I may go up on Thursday evening to watch the Titans take on local rivals Reading RFC in a friendly match, it’ll depend on how I feel after seeing Scary Spice in the afternoon. To be honest I’m getting a bit nervous about this appointment. I’m not really sure what to expect, other than I know they won’t be sticking anything down my throat at this juncture. I guess it’s just a catch up to see how I’m getting on with the road to recovery & to make sure I’ve not being over doing things, god I hope she hasn’t read this blog otherwise I’m in deep doodoo J I know that I’m not due to get my final result for another two months or so, but I can’t help wondering what the results will be. I’m obviously hoping to get the all clear, but what if the cancer hasn’t been beaten? What will the next course of action be? Will there be any point in having more treatment?

Now to lighten the mood a tad, I saw a video on FB earlier this week from a band called The Disturbed covering Sound of Silence, this is the live version I found on YouTube, wow, just wow - 

Sound of Silence

As we’re all in this evening for dinner for the first time this week I thought I’d be creative. Spanish Cod Loin A La Clark – a made up concoction & here’s the recipe.

Prep time about 15 minutes, cooking time about 30 minutes.

This doesn’t need too much seasoning as the pimento & chorizo have pepper in them & the cod loin has salt J

Cod loin cut into bite sized pieces. (Will work with any meaty flesh fish)

Chorizo cut into pieces.

Pimento peppers, roughly chopped.

Onion & garlic, roughly chopped.

White wine.

Tin of tomatoes.

Waxy Potatoes cut into bite small pieces.

Parsley, roughly chopped.

Par boil cut potatoes for 5 mins in lightly salted water, drain.

In a large frying pan fry the chopped chorizo for about 2 minutes until the oil runs, remove from the pan.

Add onion, garlic & pimento’s & fry gently for 2 – 3 minutes until soft.

Add a large glug of white wine & allow to bubble down to roughly half the volume.

Add tinned chopped tomatoes plus one tin of water, simmer down on a low heat for about 20 minutes until the sauce is at a decent thickness.

Meanwhile in a wok heat sunflower oil until very hot, add the drained potatoes & stir fry / toss until beginning to brown, probably about 10 minutes.

Add chunks of cod loin to the tomato sauce, do not stir or the cod will break up, heat for about 7 – 8 minutes, shaking pan every couple of minutes.

Add the cooked chorizo & parsley to the potatoes & give them a good shake.

When the fish is translucent serve with the potatoes & a decent bottle of red wine (Or if you’re teetotal a bottle of coke!)

Enjoy, we did J

Yet another awful night’s sleep, up 3 times.

Anna & I went into Pangbourne in the morning, coffee & cakes, followed by a visit to our favourite restaurant, Nino’s to book a table for a week on Friday to celebrate Anna’s 21^st birthday. Both children are bringing their current squeezes, this could be an expensive evening I think, but at least I’ll be able to eat his wonderful food!

The afternoon was spent at RBH for my first check up with Scary Spice since my treatment finished. I managed the first hurdle quite well by being able to find a car park space, albeit on the top level which would have knock on effects later in the day. The first person I saw when I got to the ENT Dept was Julia (Sports Direct Mum). I’m afraid to say that she looked awful. A brief chat confirmed that she’s been finding things very difficult & had had to resort to a feeding tube, not great, but at least she was having that removed today. Maybe I’ve got away lightly? A 40 minute delay in seeing Scary Spice, but it was worth the wait. Overall the feedback was very positive. She was totally disgusted with the treatment I received when I was admitted to Hunter Ward a few weeks back, but sadly she wasn’t surprised. It transpires that whilst cancer is fairly common, Neck & Head cancer isn’t. Most GPs wouldn’t have a clue about the specific issues relating to the form of cancer I’m being treated for. In the end we decided it was water under the bridge, so let’s move on. The issue with my weight will be resolved over time, she’s a bit concerned but seems to think that I’ll gain weight slowly but surely. She was astounded that I’m already back eating “normal” food so quickly, & that I’ve kicked morphine into touch already. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t go back to my pre-treatment diet, albeit taking it easy on things like chillies to start with. As I’m still not really tasting too much of what I’m eating I think I’ll just continue with the current diet of decent food which will help me gain weight. She’s suggested that I start exercising as from next week, so the weights I repossessed from Max last night will be put to use, as will his mountain bike. Again, I need to take things easy & not overdo things. I’ll still be having up’s & down’s & I’ll still be incredibly tired doing just the simplest of tasks. She’s suggested that I look to go back to work at the beginning of May, in a phased return, I’ll be discussing this with my boss at a scheduled meeting next week. She’s also advised that as of the end of April, if I so wish, I should be able to drink alcohol again, watch this space as to whether I do or not, the Jury is out at the moment. As far as she’s concerned I’m in her words “Well ahead of the game” which is just brilliant to hear, especially as I was feeling so low again yesterday. I’m still going to have good days & bad days, but I hope the good ones will start to outweigh the bad ones from here on in. The next step will be to see her again at the end of April when she’ll stick a camera down my throat to see what’s there & then it’ll be a scan, probably a month later to ascertain if the cancer has buggered off or not.  I’m not sure if the weekly calls with CNS Jo will continue or not as she wasn’t in the meeting today. The visit ended with total chaos in the RBH car park, it took me 45 minutes to get from the top floor to the exit, no idea if that’s normal at 5pm or not, but it was bloody annoying!

I didn’t bother going up to OBR in the evening, it was chucking it down & to be honest I was feeling a tad tired & emotional J

Finally for today, our new passports have arrived, so tomorrow I’ll be contacting Ioanna in Corfu for dates in early June & looking at flights.

Friday was a strange day. Carol, Anna & Max left the house early to drive up to Wales to see my mother. If you’ve read the blog from the start you’ll know that my mother is now in a Nursing Home in deepest darkest Wales. The news this week hasn’t been great & it may well be that she hasn’t much longer left on this mortal coil. I was advised not to travel due to the risk of picking up an infection which would put my recovery back. Now this may sound heartless, however my mother doesn’t know what day of the week it is, let alone be able to recognise me. If she hangs on for a few more weeks I’ll get up there to say goodbye to her in my own way.

I thought it was about time my mask got a permanent home, rather than sitting on the back of the sofa. So it’s now hanging, pride of place, in my office. When I’m back at work I’ll be able to look up at it & remind myself that however crap my day has been, it’s not as bad as having cancer. 

I spent the morning working on some bits & pieces for the new Rams website, a bit more to do over the weekend, but getting close to launch now. Oh, & then I booked our holiday J . 

Leaving on a jet plane

11 nights in Arillas from 10^th June, just what we both need. A chance to relax & enjoy each others company. All this done whilst blasting tunes out of the iPod can’t beat a bit of Aerosmith whilst working. I’ve also been surfing Halfords & Decathlon looking at either Hybrid or Road bikes, I’ve looked at Max’s bike but it’s not really suitable for me. Any advice would be gratefully received.

I’ve no idea what the weekend holds for us, but it won’t be a visit to RBH A&E Dept. The forecast is pretty pants so it may be a case of hunkering down with films on the TV, perhaps The Great Escape J

Thanks for reading.

To be continued…………………….

#shouldertoshoulder

No Morphine Required? (Ok, just a bit………)

I’ve set myself a target of getting off morphine by the time I see Scary Surgeon again on 23^rd March. I’ll still take it if I’m in pain, but I really want to be drug free as soon as possible. So I thought I’d keep track of how much I’m actually taking starting from Saturday :

Saturday              10ml Morphine.

Sunday                 7.5ml Morphine.

Monday               5ml Morphine.

Tuesday               5ml Morphine (Needed in the evening).

Wednesday        5ml Morphine (Needed mid-afternoon for stomach cramps!).

Thursday             Nil J (Ok, I’ll admit it, I was tired & forgot to take any before going to bed.

Friday                    Nil (At the time of publishing, 5pm).

Week 9

Saturday 12^th & Sunday 13^th

The last couple of weekends had been either spent in hospital or sleeping, I was determined not to waste what turned out to be a lovely weekend weather wise. I made a trip up to OBR on Saturday to catch some of the Horde’s match & take some photo’s.

Then back & ate about 1/3^rd of a Ribeye steak, that’s my first red meat for around 6 weeks. It was a struggle & I couldn’t taste it, but that’s still progress as far as I’m concerned.

On Sunday the Colts were playing over at Marlow, Max got the whole game & played “Heads Up” rugby for a change, a good 15-26 victory for Rams in one of their better performances. I was pretty tired when I got home & stupidly cooked roasted lamb, it would have been ok if I hadn’t tried to have gravy with mine, but that reacted badly with my throat, hence the need for 7.5ml of morphine L a large glass of milk & a Ensure Protein drink, not the dinner I was hoping for.

I’m starting to think more & more about food & even dreaming up menus for when (if??) the taste buds return. The food I’m really missing? Lasagne, Thai Fish Stew, Shepherds Pie, Spag Bol, Toad in the Hole, Chorizo, Cheese on toast, anything with spice in it……………. Like an idiot I googled “When do taste buds return after RT”, so many different answers & no real idea. Surprisingly, considering my previous lifestyle, I’m not really missing beer or wine as much as food.

I’ve loads of questions for Jo when she calls on Tuesday & they’re all positive questions, When’s? How’s? What’s? Hopefully the answers will be positive too. The one about taste buds will be top of the list.

Monday 14^th > Friday 18^th

Monday was my first day by myself for a few weeks as Carol has gone back to work now that I’m hopefully over the worst of the symptoms. I was pretty darn lonely to be honest, I’m going to have to find something to do other than just watching the TV all day. I did some paper work & sorted through some photo’s that a friend wants, 

but not talking to anyone from getting up at 8am until Carol came home at 4pm was a bit of a struggle. A positive from the day was I finally got round to filling out new Passport applications, ours run out in May, next step will be to get hold of Ioanna in Corfu & book our break.  

14^th March, as well as being Steak & BJ Day (some hope of either!) marks the 33^rd anniversary of the release of one of my favourite albums of all time “Script for a Jesters Tear” by Marillion, now that really makes me feel old J

Tuesday wasn’t a great day. I went to bed on Monday feeling pretty down & woke up feeling much worse. My stomach was all over the place & my bones ached like heck. The day was spent largely on the sofa under a duvet feeling pretty sorry for myself. Jo called in the afternoon, she advised that even though I may think I’ve turned the corner I’m still going to have days where I’m feeling pretty rough, especially if I’d overdone things a tad at the weekend. Slight slapped wrists there for me I think. She reiterated that the more I eat then the quicker I’m likely to recover. There is no hard and fast rule as to when taste buds are likely to return, it could be up to & beyond 3 months from the end of treatment, this is really depressing me I’m afraid. A decent evening meal of fish & veg followed by rice pudding may help. An early night & hopefully a better day on Wednesday, I’m going to try & get out of the house, even if it’s just walking to the Post Office or something.

Wednesday started off as a “Duvet Day”, I didn’t actually get out of my pit until gone 11am, I’d had a poor night waking up at around 3am & really struggled to get back to sleep. The most productive part of the day was going to the Post Office & finally getting my passport sent off for renewal. Other than that it was what most people would probably call a wasted day, I prefer to think of it as “Recovery”. 

I’ve been chatting to someone who’s been through treatment, but in a more invasive way than me & she’s advised to look out of the “Down Days”, they’ll come at you when you least expect them & can be total bastards. We didn’t go to OBR for Colts training as Max had badly cut his hand on Monday when diving to catch a dog who was about to run across a busy road…….. ?????? No point in getting dirt into a cut, especially as he hasn’t got a match on Sunday anyway.

Thursday was another “Average” day. Albeit I did get into town to get a bracket to put a TV up on the bedroom wall, what an exciting life eh? Whilst in M&S I bumped into someone that everyone needs, we all need a Sidney 

A good chat about the big match on Saturday at OBR, we both agreed that it’s a must win match for Rams.

 I thought I’d give you a feeling of what I actually do all day, it’s not exactly riveting, you’ve been warned –

Get up around 8.45am as I hear Max slamming the front door on his way to school. Decide what I want for breakfast, eventually settle for an Ensure drink & cup of coffee. Log on to the PC & check FB & Twitter, then onto the BBC website to see what’s going on in the world. Around 10’ish it’ll be onto the sofa to watch a couple of episodes of Breaking Bad, I’m up to series 4 now. Then the decision about what to have for lunch. Today it was chicken thigh simply roasted (boring, but still can’t handle any seasoning) followed by rice pudding & a crème caramel. The afternoon will usually be spent on the sofa, I’ll download a film to watch from Netflix & invariably be asleep within 15 minutes of it starting L The early part of the evening will be spent prep’ing & cooking dinner for Carol & Max & then making whatever tasteless mush I’ll be eating myself. I’ll probably be in bed between 9 & 9.30pm & will read for an hour or so. Sleep will come whilst listening to Radio 4 Extra. Repeat daily until I don’t know when.

As you can see from the above I’m becoming a tad morose about things at the moment. I think I know why. Back in December when I first went to see the specialist there was a pathway laid out ahead of me. I knew that I’d be having my biopsy on a certain date, I knew my first appointment & diagnoses with Scary would be on Christmas Eve. RT & Chemo would start on specific dates, & that it would last for 6 weeks. You see everything had a start, middle & end. Until now. Now I feel like I’m in limbo & just waiting for something to happen. No one is able to give me a date as to when I’ll be able to taste food again, when I’ll stop feeling like crap, when I’ll be able to get back to work, when I’ll know if the bastard Cancer is beaten or not. It could be anything from 3 months to 12 months & that’s difficult to handle at the moment. Just having a “Target Date” would be an improvement, something to aim for.

Friday came into the category of just another day, a trip to Maplin to get cables hides & an aerial extension for the bedroom. Breaking Bad. Deciding what to have for lunch & dinner………….. oh the excitement! Luckily the afternoon was broken up by some friends coming round for a cup of tea & cream cakes, well they had the cream cakes, I just had tea! It was good to see them & good of them to come round. Makes me think I need to get out more & see folk.

I’m looking forward to Saturday. As previously mentioned Rams will be taking on Southend RFC. A five point win will go some way to ensuring National 2 Rugby will be played at OBR again next season. There’s also the small matter of Spike Chandler currently sitting on 999 League points! Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be able to grab the shot as he smashes through the 1,000 point mark, I’d have a small wager that it’ll be either a penalty or conversion that gets the points, but you never know………………… 

The Hors D’oeuvre’s will be served up on Saturday evening. Firstly Anna will be home from Uni for the Easter holiday & secondly England travel to Paris to hopefully win their first grand slam for 13 years!

As always, thank you for continuing to read what is becoming a slightly boring & repetitive blog.

To be continued…………………………

#Shouldertoshoulder 

Life is full of ups & downs

This is probably the shortest update since I started publishing this blog. Not a whole lot has happened in the past 7 days of any interest. With decreasing energy levels I haven’t really felt like doing anything of interest either. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I’ll be back to sky diving, zip wiring & bungee jumping.

Week 8

As you can see from the above photo’s the weekend was a truly joyous time spent with cuddly kittens & cute puppies. Believe that & you’ll believe anything. It was god awful, the lowest of a lot of low times of late. Friday was spent mainly asleep on the sofa, Saturday was spent in bed until around 6pm when I made a guest appearance on the sofa downstairs to doze the evening away. Sunday wasn’t much better & my plans to go and watch Max play over at Chinnor were scuppered. The only upside to the whole weekend was having Anna home for the weekend, even if I didn’t get to spend much time with her, & Big Pete & Matt dropping in for a cuppa whilst bringing Max back, good to see your mates when you’re feeling like pants.

When I started my treatment Carol decided to take some time off work to look after me. At the time I thought this to be a total waste of time, I’d be fine looking after myself & by this point of treatment I’d be riding 10km per day in my “Get Clarky Fit” campaign. Well what a twat I am. Without Carol being here this past 10 days I would have fallen apart. She’s making sure I’m taking my drugs when I need to, she’s making sure that I’m drinking enough & she’s not pushing me too much if I say I can’t face eating. She is holding me when I break down & cry. Basically she’s kept me alive.

Monday 7^th > Friday 11^th  

Monday started off as a slightly better day. I slept until 8.30am & managed a cup of tea & half a bowl of porridge. Luckily my thirst has returned with a vengeance. I’ve been knocking back tonic water like it’s going out of fashion. Hopefully this will be enough to placate CNS Jo when she calls tomorrow. I don’t want to go back into hospital. I’ll be honest with her & explain that the weekend was pants, but I’m able to control my intake of fluids to decent levels. We’d planned to go off into Tilehurst for a coffee today, but the afternoon took a bit of a dip for me so we’ve committed to getting out of the house tomorrow, come rain or shine.

Now this might sound stupid, or even a bit distasteful, but on Monday, for the first time in about 10 days I managed to have a pee whilst standing up. Whilst I’d had my bowel infection the only way I could pass water was by sitting on the loo for up to 40 minutes & massaging my bladder until something happened. This is great news as it was possible I’d have to have had a catheter fitted if the situation didn’t improve. Now I’ve never had one, but I’d imagine it would be bloody painful J

Tuesday was another decent night’s sleep, waking up around 9am. I felt pretty good so Carol & I went off to the local coffee shop in Tilehurst. The place was packed with Yummy Mummy’s & their offspring, but the Yummiest Mummy was with me J (Ok, I’ve had a bit of morphine!). Even being out of the house for 40 minutes seemed like a bonus for me, this was the first time since last Thursday that I’d been outside. A fairly long call with Jo from the hospital at lunchtime was all positive. Whilst my kidney function is a little bit knackered at the moment I’m drinking plenty of fluids so they’ll resist the temptation to stick a tube up my willy.

The afternoon was spent fast asleep on the sofa, well I had had a busy morning. The evening was spent dozing on the sofa, well it had been a busy day.

Wednesday was a strange one. A decent night’s sleep with only one lot of drugs needed. In the morning I went into town to stock up on vape juice, but on the way home I felt really weird, almost “Out of body”. I was also extremely thirsty but couldn’t find anything to quench the thirst. I’ve managed to stick 4 Ensure Protein drinks down my throat today along with a soft boiled egg & some toast, it’s not enough, but it’s more than I’ve been eating for probably the last two weeks. I need to get my body back into some sort of shape for our summer holiday.

Carol took Max up to training in the evening, as I was feeling a little bit knackered so stayed at home & cooked them something tasty for their return. I know when I started this blog that I said I’d continue to go to OBR, I’d continue to take photo’s & I’d continue to do all the things I used to do. What a poor deluded fool I was not to listen to folk who’ve already been through treatment or know people who have.

I’ve a date in my diary to look forward to. On 30^th March I’m meeting up with my boss from work & a colleague for breakfast at Carluccio’s on Reading. My aim is to be able to eat a decent amount of food, even if I can’t actually taste it.

Wednesday night was even better, no drugs at all & slept through the entire night, probably for the first time since December. Is this really the start of the long road back to normality? God I hope so. Carol went into work for a few hours this morning, she’ll be going back to work next week, so I’ll have to get used to being on my own again. My appetite is slowly returning, two poached eggs for lunch. Jacket potato & asparagus for dinner. Plenty of fluids too.

Another good sign that the corner may have been turned is that this time last week I was taking upwards of 30ml of morphine a day, & that was to just keep the lid on the pain from my throat. Today (Thursday) I’ve taken just 5ml & that was probably not entirely necessary. My plan is to be totally off the stuff by the time I see Scary Surgeon again on 23^rd March.

Carol went to the school this evening for Max’s parents evening. Probably the best feed back we’ve had in a number of years about his performance. As previously mentioned, I’ve been worried that my illness will have an adverse effect on his upcoming exams. Well it seems he’s confounding my worries by buckling down & getting on with it. He’s still a muppet, but he’s my muppet J

Friday’s highlight was a trip to see my GP, the chap who first put me on the 2 Week Pathway before Christmas. Whilst I’m not using much Morphine at the moment I have just about run out. He’s prescribed me enough now to get me through to the end on needing it.

After the last two weekends being total disasters I’m not going to make any predictions about what I want to do this weekend (Other than watch England sending the Welsh back over the bridge with their tails between their legs!) If I get to see any live rugby that’ll be a bonus. Max is out tonight, so it’s just Carol & I by ourselves. There’s some rather nice looking trout sitting in the outside fridge, I think that cooked with pasta & spinach may well be on the menu this evening. A chilled bottle of Chablis would go down well, but I think I’m a few months off that pleasure yet.

As always, thanks for reading this & thanks for the continuing messages of support.

To be continued………………….

#shouldertoshoulder 

 The Road to Nowhere 

Week 7

I wasn’t sure whether to post a blog up on not this week, but I think the events of last weekend probably need recording. I’ll warn you that I’m not at all complementary of the NHS weekend service, however this in no way reflects the wonderful treatment I’ve received from the Cancer specialists.

Saturday 28^th > Tuesday 1^st – “The Doctors says he’s comin’, but you gotta pay him cash”

Well they weren’t kidding when they told me it would get worse in the week following treatment, so far it’s been total & utter pants.

On Saturday morning at 6.30am Carol & I rocked up to A&E on advice of the Cancer Helpline I have access to. Again the Red Book worked its magic & I was in a private cubicle seeing a Dr. within 5 minutes of arriving. I’d managed to pick up a rather nasty infection which was having an unpleasant effect on my body. My blood pressure was also down at dangerously low levels. I was transferred up to Hunter Ward within an hour of arriving. Now for the only bit of “Light Relief” in this post. Around about 35 years ago I met Carol whilst I was in hospital having broken my legs in a motorbike accident, she was nursing me on Hunter Ward when we met J

The Dr. who I saw initially on Hunter has probably the worst bedside manner I’ve ever had the misfortune to be on the end of. She seemed to be planning her next question before listening to my answer of her last one. She peaked with “Does this happen to you every time you have Cancer?” – I’m afraid at this point she got both barrels from me, I totally lost it with her. We eventually reached a compromise, she’d listen to my answers & I wouldn’t call her a moron again. Treatment was agreed upon, but it didn’t work & was probably the most painful experience I’ve ever had inflicted on me. The nurse & Dr. both agreed that it wasn’t going to work & wouldn’t be done again. This was around midday on Saturday. I next saw a Senior Dr on Sunday morning, accompanied by the original Dr. He suggested the treatment that had previously failed. She agreed with him, despite telling me the previous day that it would not work. I really got the impression she was sucking up to her boss. I refused this treatment. At this point the Senior Dr. said I may as well go home then & let time take its course. He also told me that I should have gone to my GP rather than A&E. At this point I felt as low as it’s possible to feel. I just wanted to curl up into a ball & hide. So far, with the odd blip, the treatment I’ve received since Christmas has been utterly wonderful. This episode makes me feel like a fraud who was wasting the time of the NHS. Needless to say Carol came to get me as soon as she could from the hospital, I went to bed when I got home & I’m afraid to say I hardly moved until Tuesday morning, I felt destroyed & let down. Since Friday evening I’d eaten one slice of toast & had two energy drinks. I was offered food in the hospital that isn’t suitable for someone who’s had RT on their throat. The nurses kept bringing my solid pain killers, despite me bringing in my own meds which are all in liquid form.

Tuesday was a bit better. Wise words from a trusted friend had a positive effect on my mind set & helped with a problem I’ve got to face up to. Equally a parcel of “Goodies” from friends has brought a massive smile to my face. Ok, maybe I can’t eat them yet, but boy of boy, when I can…….. I was due to go out with a mate this evening, but I’m not really up to it. Unlikely I’ll get out at all this week which is going to be tough, I imagine I’ll be climbing the walls by the weekend! 4 walls & Walter White do not make for a happy bunny.

The pain levels have been really strange so far this week. At times it’s been at a massive level where I’m shaking whilst getting the Morphine into my body. Then at other times it almost feels as if nothing is wrong with me at all, I know which one I prefer.

The call with Jo, CSN Nurse, on Tuesday was very positive. I relayed the events of the weekend to her & she was genuinely shocked about the “Does this happen every time………” comment, so much so that she wanted the Dr’s name, shame I can’t recall. She’s going to call me again on Thursday to see how I’m getting on & potentially get me in to see Scary Surgeon in that afternoons clinic. Possible that I may have to be readmitted to sort of fluid levels, but if that is the case it’ll be on a Cancer ward not a general surgery ward.

Let’s finish this last bit with a bit of humour. Whilst rushing to the loo yesterday I managed to get sat down & was smacked on the head by the ironing board that’s stored in the downstairs loo. I could almost see the Newspaper headlines, “Man gets knocked unconscious by ironing board  whilst on the toilet”

Wednesday 2^nd > Friday 4th

Another new symptom hit around 2am on Wednesday morning, I woke coughing so badly that I nearly threw up, worryingly there was a small amount of blood in my mouth. Carol got out the Nebuliser, morphine & other drugs & I eventually settled down again after about 40 minutes. Now this is ok for me, but it means that Carol has had yet another disturbed nights sleep. I may get to the stage of sleeping on the sofa downstairs, especially as she’ll be going back to work in the next 10 days or so.

I’ve received a couple of emails from folk I do work with, nice to get contact from the outside world, even if one of them is now living it up in the flesh pots of Dubai J As I said earlier, I’m beginning to look at the four walls a bit like a prison at the moment. It’s over a week since I’ve been out, other than to the hospital. It’s taking it’s toll watching Television all day long - Marquee Moon

Thursday was a much more positive day. Whilst I’m still in a lot of discomfort I’m managing to control the pain. As promised Jo called & asked me to go into ENT clinic that afternoon. They were truly shocked at the treatment I received over the weekend. Long & short is that I’m not going to be admitted at the moment. Jo will call me again next week to reassess the position, so long as I’m eating & drinking they’ll leave me alone. I’m pretty pleased about this for a couple of reasons. Being admitted would result in having a feeding tube stuffed down my throat, not pleasant at all I’d imagine. It would also mean another weekend in RBH rather than at home with my family. Mind you, as Anna is home for the weekend it may be a cheaper option J

Evil Twin kindly offered to pick up Anna from St Noets station on Thursday afternoon and drop her off with us until Sunday. It’s nice seeing her again after 5 or 6 weeks, even if she’s seeing me at perhaps my lowest ebb.

Friday has been another pretty low day, I’ve hardly moved from the sofa, but at least I’ve eaten some soup & a fried egg so far. I’m not confident in getting up to OBR tomorrow to watch the Centaurs & 5’s play, may not be the best idea in my current state. The Rams are off to Dorking for a massive match for both teams. I’ll be following the twitter feed closely. A win is what the Dr. ordered please guys.

Max is playing over at Chinnor on Sunday in a OBB League match, I’m going to try my hardest to be fit enough to watch that game.

Finally, the opening photo shows the side effects of the RT treatment, these only came out this week & will hopefully not last too long. E45 cream is being slapped on every couple of hours & to be honest it probably looks worse than it feels.

To be continued……………………….

#Shouldertoshoulder